Never again will this pain heal
by Saiyachick
Summary: :::COMPLETE:::Ever since the cell games, Gohan has written hateful letters to Goku and filled him in on everything.When a little two year old Goten finds letters in GOhan's drawer, he shows them to Chichi, and she confronts Gohan abouts his letters.
1. Never again

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.

Hate…bitterness.

_Never again shall I feel pain_

__

Dear father,

Once again you are a big hero to everyone…except me. You ever helped me in anyway. Oh sure when I was four you helped me off a tree, big deal, if I fell I would be all right. And the whole Namek thing…you did shit. With Frieza, great job on destroying him…not. He came back and you had to have Mirai do your dirty work. Mom had a baby a few months ago. He is a little tike I love him dearly. The thing that bugs me about him is he looks just like you! I am just glad you're not alive to corrupt his young mind. I bet if you were here, you would teach him how to run away from his family and problems. Glad I didn't take after you. Your so-called noble sacrifice was shit! Do you know what I really think about you? Well I became a sort of a poet you see, so I expressed my gratitude in this poem:

_How many times have I called your name?_

_Yet you were never there for me,_

_How many times have I cried?_

_Till your innocent glare spotted me,_

_How many times have I begged?_

_For you to not die one me,_

_Everyday that I lived,_

_I wondered why,_

_My father was never there,_

_In the end the truth was revealed._

_Why you left me all alone,_

_Is still a mystery that remains in my mind,_

_Why you never cared for me,_

_Probably not you're instinct to be kind,_

_Why you made me feel bitter inside,_

_The answer is for me yet to find,_

_Everyday that I lived,_

_I wondered why,_

_My father was never there,_

_In the end the truth was revealed._

_Everyday your son,_

_The little one who is unknown,_

_Asked me about a father,_

_'Is he a hero,' he asked,_

_'Is he alone?'_

_For the questions MY brother asked,_

_Were too deep for me to say,_

_I still haven't answered one,_

_Knowing I would blow up in his face,_

_Yet I don't want to be like you,_

_I don't want to run away,_

_But I can't take the pressure,_

_It's your entire fault..._

_I grew up too soon in this world,_

_I closed my eyes trying to view paradise,_

_Instead when life hit me, I opened my eyes to my still screwed up life,_

_It's your entire fault I blame on you,_

_Why I never lived a childhood, and grew up too soon,_

_Never again shall I show you my love,_

_For bloodshed and tear shed is what I went through,_

_Never again...will I teach my brother about you..._

_Never again will I run down a road so dark..._

_Never again..._

There you go _father _that's how much it took. I still don't know if you care, or care for the son you'll never know. I hope you would have a change of heart, but never again will you change…never again shall I meet you.

Son, Gohan

I ceil the envelope and carefully stow it away. I then hear quite footsteps coming up.

"Gohawn," said my two-year-old brother, "I can't sleep."

"Stay with me here little guy," I say kindly.

Goten hops on my bed and snuggles in the covers. 'He looks exactly like you…but will never be like you…I'll make sure of that,' I thought and protected my brother so he would never have one care in the world of darkness.


	2. Confrontation

Disclaimer: No I don't own DBZ or anything like that.

Summary: In this chapter, the little curious Goten goes through Gohan's personal items and stumbles upon the letter. What shall happen when he shows Chichi?

**_Never again will this pain heal_**

**__**

**_Chapter two: Confrontation_**

As morning arose, little Goten found himself in his big brothers bed alone. He sat up rubbing his eyes, and had a weird dream. He had a dream of the father he hasn't met, and he was telling him to be a good boy, and he would come in his dreams more often.

Goten got up, and walked out of the half opened door. He was still rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes and was dragging his little blanket behind him. The little boy stumbled down the stairs one at a time.

When he reached the last step, he saw his mother in the kitchen. He walked up to her and tugged on her apron.

"Mommy, where Gohawn?" he asked.

Chichi turned around and smiled. She picked up Goten and hugged him. "Your brother is out getting me some firewood so all of us can have some breakfast. How about we get you cleaned up and changed?"

Goten only nodded. Chichi walked toward Goten's room upstairs and picked out a small Gi out for him. She then walked out, carrying Goten and the clothes, to the bathroom, complements to Bulma.

She set her son in the bathtub, and put the clothes on the sink counter. Chichi then undressed little Goten and started the water. After ten minutes, Chichi took Goten out, dried him along with changing him, and walked out of the bathroom. When she walked past Gohan's room, she heard some noises.

She gently knocked on Gohan's door. "Gohan dear, breakfast should be ready shortly."

Chichi could muffle out a 'thanks mom.'

She then walked down stairs and walked over to the kitchen. She sat Goten down in his baby seat and got to the stove. She began to make some rice, pancakes, bacon, toast, and fresh orange juice.

Soon, a fifteen-year-old Gohan came down stairs looking strangely mad. He walked past Goten, ruffled his hair, and then sat down. Chichi looked at him closely, but shook it off and set the food on the table.

She poured a bowl of rice and some orange juice for Goten, and fed him, while Gohan ate unusually slowly. She just kept feeding Goten little by little, which made him irritated. Chichi didn't even notice Goten taking the spoon out of her hand and feeding himself.

"Gohan, are you alright son?"

Gohan stared at his mother, and forced a smile, "Of course mum, I am just fine." He then got up, put his dishes away and walked back upstairs. 

"That boy has been doing nothing but staying in his room these days," She sighed and started eating herself. 

Later on that day, Gohan went down stairs and outside for a spar. Little did he know, Goten crept upstairs into his room? At first Goten just wanted his dinosaur, but last night when he saw Gohan stow away something in his drawer, he was confused.

Being the confused little boy he was, he climbed on the chair and opened the drawer. Goten looked inside to find a numerous amount of envelops addressed to Goku. Goten carefully picked up some of the letters and went downstairs. 

He spotted his mother sitting on the sofa reading. He waddled over to her and tapped her knee. Chichi looked down and smiled once more.

"Yes Goten?"

Goten showed her the letters. She picked them up and looked at Goten.

"Where did you get these? What are they?"

"They were in Gohawn's roowm. They say Gokuw."

Chichi gasped and looked at envelope. It said their address, Gohan's name, and to Goku, of the other world.

She unsealed the envelope and took the letter out. Chichi began to read and it said:

Dear Goku, 

            Today, I write another pointless letter to you. I don't know why I even waste my time on you, the pathetic excuse for a father. You make me so angry, that I want to kill myself, though, if I did, I would have to face you in person, and everyone knows I wouldn't want to do that. Today is my thirteenth birthday, another one you missed. I don't see why I was depressed when you were gone, I just don't see it. Not my fault, not mine at all. I wish I could shed the dirty blood and venom you poisoned me with. I feel so sick just thinking about what you did to me. You put me through pain, and mother through sorrow. I can't believe how worthless you are to me. I mean if I could, I would wish you back, kill you, and wish you back again, and kill you once more. I am so very glad Goten doesn't get to see you. Though I feel sorry for my brother. He grows up with no daddy, like I did. Him, unlike me, has a brother, who is better then you any day. Hope your having fun being dead, because I sure am happy you are.

                                                Your supposed son, Gohan.

By now, Chichi had tears in her eyes. She stuffed the letter back in its holder, and set it down.

"Goten, are there more?"

"Yes."

"Show me them."

Goten walked upstairs with Chichi close behind. He showed her the letters that were all in his desk. Chichi gasped and more tears swept over her face. There were over hundreds of letters.

"How could he feel this way? How can he feel so much hatred towards his father like this? Oh Gohan why do you hate him?"

Throughout this, little Goten was confused. He didn't know if he did a bad thing or a good thing. He then grabbed his dinosaur and walked out of the room. Chichi closed the drawer and walked down stairs.

Lunch was almost done by the time Gohan came home. There was an unusual silence, and when he said his to his mother, she said nothing. Gohan shook it off and went upstairs for a shower. When he got dressed into a fresh pair of clothing he started playing with his brother.

That was when Chichi said lunch was ready. Chichi cleaned her hands and served her sons. She ate a little but not much. Gohan noticed her eyes were a little puffy and red.

She then threw down her fork and stared at Gohan. He set his fork down and stared back at his mother.

"What's the matter mum?"

Chichi spilled a few more tears, and looked dead into his eyes. "Gohan we need to talk."

"About what?"

"About the letters Gohan, the letters."


	3. Love and depression

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ or the song.

Summary: Chichi finally knows what's going on, so can both work it out, or is the family a broken home?

**_Never again shall this pain heal_**

**_Chapter three: Love is the key_**

**__**

"What do you mean letters?" Gohan asked while eyeing his mother.

Chichi looked deep into his eyes, "Don't try and fool me son, I know about your letters to your father."

Gohan was shocked. His mother knew? How? Was she spying on him? Did she not trust him? This made him angry…but he stayed calm for now.

"I am not trying to fool you, and what about the letters?" He said trying to not swear.

"Why are you so angry at your father?" Chichi asked.

Gohan growled. "Father? Father!? He was never my father and never will be! Was he there when I cried? He left me when I was four for crying out loud! He did nothing! I don't consider him my father!" he spat.

Chichi comprehended of what Gohan had just said and slapped him clear across the face. Gohan stared hard at his mother and put a hand on his cheek. Chichi looked at her own hand in shock, how could she do that?

Goten, who witnessed this, got out of his chair and ran to Gohan. "Gohawn! Are you all right? Mommy, why did you hurt him?! Why?!" he cried.

Gohan stepped away from his mother…backed away. Sure the slap didn't hurt, but how could she even think of hitting her own son? Though something inside said he shouldn't be mad at her…something deep inside.

 He finally came to his senses and walked away. He heard his mother crying, "Gohan, I am so sorry!"

Gohan ignored it and walked out of the door. Goten ran after him along with Chichi. "Don't go Gohawn!" Goten cried.

Gohan kept walking away from his home. He didn't belong any where…never will. He had enough and ran clear across the woods. Gohan couldn't stand it…it was just too painful. He didn't want to run away, but someone he loved tried to hurt him.

Gohan couldn't abandon his family like that it wasn't good. He wasn't his father after all, so he flew back.

Chichi and Goten noticed the figure flying back to them. They ran up to him as he landed and hugged him.

"I am so sorry Gohan, I didn't let you tell the truth," Chichi cried.

Gohan hugged both of them back…he loved them and would never leave like that again. Gohan said he needed time to think, so he needed to go out. Chichi trusted him and went inside the house with Goten, who was sleeping. 

He finally flew in the air off to a different direction…somewhere familiar. He looked around him and it was a deserted type of place…the place where the Cell games were held.

Gohan didn't even notice himself in his Super Saiyan form. He was crying…his heart stinging. How could he almost run out from his family like that? He wasn't his father…not at all. His father wasn't even a true dad…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hey Dad, where you been for so long?  
Why won't you look at me?  
Is there something wrong?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Why doesn't he even look at me? It's like he tried to avoid something or me. Maybe that's how it is…he hates me and I hate him…what a perfect relation ship…

Maybe there is something wrong with me, but what is it? Is it because I am stronger than him? Smarter? More of a Saiyan…what?

Why did he not look at me with love? He cared about everyone else but me, and is that supposed to make me feel happy? God damnit, shit! Why am I so alone in this world?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Do you remember me, the son that you conceived?  
Why won't you look at me?  
A son that you deceived.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Maybe I was some sort of accident when they conceived me…maybe he doesn't even remember I exist. I mean come on, he was the one who wanted a son, but maybe I am not good enough for him. That's probably why he wont look at me.

I was not meant to be in this world…I am nothing…

I am of no use to anyone on this planet, though I feel someone at least care's about me. It is my father's fault, him and his deceptive ways.

He was born with Saiyan blood, and a face of deception. I thought he loved me, but I guess he just deceived me…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Oh God, what did I do to deserve this?  
A man I never knew.  
A man I cannot miss.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  


I didn't do anything wrong did I? Why doesn't my father care about me? My mother hit me, and my father left me. I shouldn't deserve such a cruel life…not ever…

Who was my father really? I never knew him really. He never spent time with me…he let go of my baby carriage when I was a baby, shows how much he loved me…

Mother asks me why I wrote those letters to him, this is why: How can you miss someone you never knew. How can I love someone who was never there for me? How can I not write such hateful letters when your own father left you around five times?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
I gave you many chances, many that you took.  
And now I stand before you,  
You won't even look.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So many chances he had… and he took them…

When I was four, I had to save him…when I was on Namek…I gave him a chance, and he blew it. He had to be the hero of the day once more. When I stood before him, he didn't even look.

He told me to go away, to a different place. He didn't want help when I offered. Why am I such a bad person?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
How can we start all over when we never began?  
How can you be a father,  
When you're not even a man?  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After all the pain he put me and mother through, how can I start all over with him? I never even had a relationship with my father, so how can I start over?

How can I have such a cruel father that hates you and isn't even one when he isn't a man? If he was a true man, father, Saiyan, his will would not take him away from his family.

He was never a man…not in my eyes…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Why do you play these games?  
That are in my head  
You said you'd love me dearly,  
but it looks like he's dead.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Why did he mess around with my head and emotions? He said I was his son and he loved me. He said he'd be there for me…

Why did he say he loved me dearly with his heart, and he would protect me? Why did he promise to always help me when he is dead?

Why do I even think about him…I need to find the real reason of hate that is inside me…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Oh God, what did I do to deserve this?  
A man I never knew.  
A man I cannot miss.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I look deep into the desert. I sit down looking hard and remembering the fight that had been there around three years ago.

Why did he have to make his 'noble' sacrifice? Did my father really love me? Did he really care enough about me? I guess I was just too hard on him…though I still don't miss him, 'cause I never knew him…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
How can we start all over when we never began?  
How can you be a father,  
When you're not even a man?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Did he really care…is he everything that people said about him? When I have a family of my own, I will never run out on them…

Maybe I don't hate him as much…maybe he is a hero…

Maybe he is a man…maybe a father if I get to know him…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Why do you play these games?  
That are in my head  
You said you'd love me dearly,  
but it looks like he's dead. (hey dad, hey dad)  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Gohan still lay there looking into the darkening sky. Love…is it real? I still can't figure it out…if you love someone you don't die…

Your not suppose to do that, are you?

Is love expressed in different ways? Can you die for someone you love? Of course! It is true!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
So then came kids of my own.  
I was there for them.  
I am the man you couldn't be. (I didn't learn from him.)  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_Three years later_

I finally have my own child, one I love dearly. I found someone who loved me…Videl. You came back father…I am not that angry anymore. I can't be…you saved us all.

Though I am still mad at you, I have a child now, and I will never leave her or my wife. I am a father, the one you couldn't be…

Death…

You died…and didn't come back only to fight. Well you got your ultimate fight, but somewhere out there, there are more rivals against you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Where he is, I don't even know at all.  
I don't even remember,  
The last time he called.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Three years later

Videl and I are at home; with our child…she is so happy and charming just like her mother. Where are you father? Did you go off to train another person for ten years? Why did you leave? Once again pain struck many.

Pan was so depressed when you left…she asked and cried so much why you left to train a complete stranger…

I couldn't answer my baby just like Goten… I couldn't answer them…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
How can we start all over when we never began?  
How can you be a father,  
When you're not even a man?  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I sit outside on he beach with the whole gang. We took a trip, and I keep thinking about you…my father… 

Yes I realized, thanks to Videl, that you are a father. She had the same problems with Hercule he ignored her…

I don't think we can start over again though, as I said, our relationship as father and son never began…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Why do you play these games?  
That are in my head  
You said you'd love me dearly,  
but it looks like he's dead.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I still wonder if love is true, some emotions are just plain crazy. Pan is still sad you left, but we are making everything better. A lot of people miss you, even Vegeta…

You put a lot of craziness in everyone's head dad, why did you do that? Ever since I was twelve I really hated you, and the scars run deep. I don't think my love will heal the wounds are never healing.

My head was mixed up between love and hate, it felt as though the black water mist took over me and filled me with insane, hateful, bitter, and outrageous thoughts. I will stop the letters, and they will end.

You said you loved me, and I believe you dad, I will say it, and say it now…

"I love you dad."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Oh God, what did I do to deserve this?  
A man I never knew.  
A man I cannot miss.  
How can we start all over?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


End file.
